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Xavier

Trying to find Me

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Well after some terrible events over several years and reaching the point where a tweaker moved in, ruined the little peace I had, and then stole my car and threw me out, I gave up on that chapter and gave up my worldly possessions I had left, and moved half a country away from California to Iowa.

First, haven't seen a tweaker yet since the move, which is nice.

But I realized that this is about me starting over and to do so, I have to know what I want and who I am.

I'm feeling open minded and have been exploring my mind, having taken a vacation of sorts before looking for another income. I have meditated and slept and talked with friends from California, explored the area, spent time alone just thinking. I figured once I made the big move I'd be forced into action and it would sort itself out.

My brain is afire no doubt, but amusingly enough, doubt is exactly what is creeping in big time. Not about the move, that was solid. Doubt about what I want, what are my goals, what is the point? I know nobody can help me with this. I'm just feeling that I don't even know what I want right now, and it's perplexing me some.

I found true love, lost it, and so thats over.  I've never been interested in wealth, or fame. Not interested in so much other people crave. I haven't tried to make friends here yet. I am trying to figure out who I am, because I've always needed others to feel complete, and I'm just trying to feel complete on my own for once. But I realize I have spent so much time worrying about everyone else, I haven't taken the time to know myself for a long, long time.

I guess I should sort it out, because time waits for no one. Just thinking out loud on this message board. I imagine I'm not alone in feeling this way. How can I be 48 and not know myself and what I want? It's infuriating. I can tell you a long list of things I don't want, but my do want list is very limited.

I'm working on it. What do I really want? Who am I?  The basics. They change over time.

 

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I have a suggestion.  IF there is a loving God, and IF He is love as He claims, and IF He created you for a specific reason, wouldn't it be prudent to search Him out and ask Him what that reason and purpose is?

IF there is even a slight chance any of these IF's is true, isn't it worth a sincere effort to make contact and find out for yourself?  :)

 

Quote

Heb 11:6

And it is impossible to please God without faith. Anyone who wants to come to him must believe that God exists and that he rewards those who sincerely seek him.

I'd encourage you to ask Him to reveal Himself to you, and then ask Him to reveal you  to you.  I suspect you'll find you  were "purpose built" with all the gifts, talents and capabilities you need to walk a life that will meaningfully impact everyone you come into contact with in ways  that  will retain significance .....eternally.

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15 minutes ago, Jostler said:

I have a suggestion.  IF there is a loving God, and IF He is love as He claims, and IF He created you for a specific reason, wouldn't it be prudent to search Him out and ask Him what that reason and purpose is?

IF there is even a slight chance any of these IF's is true, isn't it worth a sincere effort to make contact and find out for yourself?  :)

 

I'd encourage you to ask Him to reveal Himself to you, and then ask Him to reveal you  to you.  I suspect you'll find you  were "purpose built" with all the gifts, talents and capabilities you need to walk a life that will meaningfully impact everyone you come into contact with in ways  that  will retain significance .....eternally.

Oh I believe in what is referred to as God. I don't believe in the Christian version or any other earthy religious version. I think we have free will for a good reason. I can't imagine the goal of free will is to give your free will away to follow some books written and edited by humans pretending they understand an omnipotent being. God is doing fine, by default. I've explored many religions and many variations of them, I'm well versed in "the bible" better than many Christians, for really real.

But thanks for caring. I know it seems so easy when you have faith. I do, just not like you, and I'm sure God is wanting us to figure this out on our own. I've thought about joining a local church to try to meet some people with solid morals, but I don't believe Jesus was real at all. So it would make me feel dirty to hang out with those who would mistakenly think I do because I believe in "God". Same reason I never asked a church for help when I was homeless and hungry, even though so many people told me to just use them. I'm moral, just not religious.

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14 minutes ago, Xavier said:

... I'm moral, just not religious.

Who defines what is moral?

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14 minutes ago, Jostler said:

Who defines what is moral?

I do.  Each of us makes choices every day.

My version of morality is sefless is good, selfish is evil. What's yours?

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Just now, Xavier said:

I do.  Each of us makes choices every day.

My version of morality is sefless is good, selfish is evil. What's yours?

It doesn't matter.  If you and I are the "source" of morality, whatever I decide is moral has equal validity to anything you  decide.  If there is no universal standard, then the whole concept of morality is subjective....and therefore oxymoronic.

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11 minutes ago, Jostler said:

It doesn't matter.  If you and I are the "source" of morality, whatever I decide is moral has equal validity to anything you  decide.  If there is no universal standard, then the whole concept of morality is subjective....and therefore oxymoronic.

Hence my definition. Good and Evil are words that can be applied well to form morality. It's not perfect, but it's what we have. Pretending morality can only come from organized religion is Evil in and of itself. But I've been in this conversation a thousand times with believers.

I know right from wrong without religion. I don't need a sky being to threaten me into being good. I've lived it, and I've avoided doing many horrible things because I know they're wrong. Evil people can justify anything anyways if you haven't noticed, even the religious one. Each of us must choose every day, every situation. Religion doesn't change that.

 

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3 minutes ago, Xavier said:

... Evil people can justify anything anyways if you haven't noticed, even the religious one.

 

I agree.  But what gives you the authority to  tell a blood drinking, baby raping deviant that what he approves is evil?  If he sees nothing morally wrong in those activities, and morality is subjective, then  you simply disagree with  him.  His "authority" to determine what is moral is every  bit as valid as yours is.

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The following is something from my about me page. It's pretty simplistic, but many times its those simple concepts and ideas that can be the most effective. After mastering this, you can move on to the more complex issues. Of course, I wrote the following in reference to my life, but you can change the 3rd paragraph to your own story and your own life. 

Seriously, Lighten-Up:
I like myself just the way I am; with all of my flaws and imperfections. I never pretend to be something I'm not and have always realized that I will never achieve perfection in this life.

When one learns to stop beating themselves up over there own shortcomings and failures, life takes on a whole new meaning of acceptance and understanding. Seriously, though, lighten-up!

My name is John and my business associates call me John K, my 3 sisters call me Johnny, my kids call me dad and/or father and my wife Jeannette calls me honey. My grandkids call me Grandpa, Poppy or Papa and my dogs just bark, but I know when they're calling me. Point being, I'm called many things, but in the end, I'm just little ol me, and I'm ok with all of it!

Learn to love your life no matter your situation. You'd be surprised by all the unexpected blessings which will come your way and just because you don't take everything so seriously. ~cm

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5 minutes ago, Jostler said:

I agree.  But what gives you the authority to  tell a blood drinking, baby raping deviant that what he approves is evil?  If he sees nothing morally wrong in those activities, and morality is subjective, then  you simply disagree with  him.  His "authority" to determine what is moral is every  bit as valid as yours is.

Because I define Good as selfless, and Evil as selfish, and I'm willing to fight, kill, and die for my beliefs. That's why. I've gotten into many dangerous situations defending my beliefs. Oh, and I give myself the authority, just like everyone else. Some say it's their religions choice, but be honest, like I am. They choose to follow it, or not, just the same. We All choose to be moral or not. Free wills a b*tch.

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1 minute ago, Xavier said:

Because I define Good as selfless, and Evil as selfish, and I'm willing to fight, kill, and die for my beliefs. That's why. I've gotten into many dangerous situations defending my beliefs. Oh, and I give myself the authority, just like everyone else. Some say it's their religions choice, but be honest, like I am. They choose to follow it, or not, just the same. We All choose to be moral or not. Free wills a b*tch.

Well, the blood drinking baby rapers are willing to kill for their moral code too.  I guess you have a war on  your hands.  FWIW I think your definition is correct.  But it didn't originate  with you  :)

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