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Waxing Insanity

I Love My Wife, But she hates Me Know

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Waxing Insanity

She sent me this letter 6/4/16 but I messed things up by not following her orders.

I can still remember the very first time I saw you, sitting in booth 20 with Bob and the crew. I remember it as clearly as if it just happened. When I locked eyes with you there was an intense feeling that I had never felt before and never since, I felt like I knew you. The feeling was so strong that I could not shake it, I racked my brain for a days and even went to my mom’s house to look through old high school yearbooks thinking I must have known you from school. Every time you guys came in you were always seated in my section coincidentally and I was drawn to you for some unknown reason. None of this was particularly consequential at the time because you and I were involved with our own relationships and eventually as the weather got cooler you stopped coming in probably because you were no longer working in the area. After months had passed, you came in again and I can remember that day so clearly as well. I was running late to work, as usual, and when I came in I was expecting a good lecture from Linda but what I got was her telling me to immediately go to booth 20 and talk to the guys there that were asking about me and as I looked across the dining room I saw your arms waving to get my attention. I think Linda was a bit off put that she was your server and you were asking about me, lol. Anyway, you know the story from there and we began to date and fall in love and I came to attribute that feeling of our first meeting as love at first sight. Building our life in Southgate, despite the legal troubles was pure heaven and the happiest times of my life. Yeah, it was hectic at times but that didn’t really matter because we were together at the end of the day. I remember Stacie being such a hater calling us the perfect couple and Ken and Barbie, lol, but in my eyes it was true, we were the perfect couple. I can remember when things were not so good toward the end of our days in Southgate when everyone thought I was crazy for standing by you when we put up the house for sale and wanted to put everything in to the Noni business, and I while I had my doubts to what we were doing, I had faith and trust in you and even though things were bad that was what marriage was about, better and worse, richer and poor… and eventually we ended up here in Georgia to make a fresh start. 

When you had your first hospitalized episode in 2007 it totally rocked my world, I’m sure yours too, but I can only speak on my feelings. I don’t want you to think that I am making this all about me or taking anything away from what you experienced or how you felt, I am just speaking on what I felt and my perspective because that is what I know. When I overheard you on the phone with your mom saying that you had slept with Zan, my heart sank to my feet and I think I was even in shock for a moment. Never, ever, in a million years was you cheating even a thought, well except for the time that you stayed out all night at Henry VIII, but when I questioned you, you told me that you did not and that you hated Andrea and never cheated on her so you would definitely not do that to me, and that meant something so I never questioned your loyalty again. Until then, I questioned that time, I questioned a lot of things that seemed innocuous before but now I had to wonder. There was a time that you and I sat on the porch of the Magnolia house and we talked about that and you swore to me that Zan was the only one and it was only one time. I tried to move forward from that and was able to do so because I had all of those years in Southgate and all of our wonderful memories to hold on to with the hopes that we could one day return to being that perfect couple. But the more time passed the more it seemed that we were moving farther from that, you flirting with female’s playing Hotties on MySpace, exchanging numbers and calling that girl while I was at school. You isolated and pushed me away and I let it be because I didn’t know if there was even anything worth fighting for anymore. 
I began this current situation of mine due in part to vengeance I felt towards you, hurt I felt from you, and loneliness I felt here in Georgia with no family or friends or really anyone, or any type of support system. When I told you, I told you because I felt ashamed, embarrassed and guilty and what you told me in return was about Danielle. Wow, what an unexpected blow that was, I had always thought we were so happy together in Southgate and couldn’t wrap my head around that one. (I know it was a blow to you too, I am not being dismissive of your feelings here, I am only expressing my feelings because I am sharing my experience and feelings.) When I didn’t show up to Starbucks that day I know that was devastating to you and I feel terrible for hurting you like that. I was in a state of mental and emotional turmoil and really didn’t know anything anymore. I know you were angry, understandably, and then you told me about all, or maybe all, more of the others all the way back to Julie Reynolds. Holy Hell, that was when we first started dating! And you told me because you wanted to hurt me, not because you felt bad for it, but out of anger because you knew it would cut deep, and it did. All of those wonderful memories from Southgate were gone, it was all a farce, everything that I had thought about our entire life together was a lie that I had been too naïve to see. Boy did I feel stupid, I finally got why you wrote duh above my head on that picture of us. I had once had this point in time to look back on when we were happy together and that was suddenly gone, not even gone, it never existed except in my mind. I was very angry with you and honestly hated you for a long time. Mostly because all of the time that I stood by your side in Southgate, then packed up my life and left all of my family and friends and the only life I had ever known to move to Georgia, for you, because I had the trust and faith in you as my husband that this was the right decision for our family. I hated you for letting me give up my life for a lie, and here you were back in Michigan with your mom and kids and I was stuck in Georgia alone, no family, no friends, and just downright broken. I would venture to say this is why I furthered my current situation. 
I felt this resentment for you for a long time, especially holidays and other special occasions that I missed in Michigan, that I spent here, totally uneventful. What really changed is after Jahsiah was born. I went through all of our old photos, when I was copying them to my external hard drive, and while they were sad to look through, I also enjoyed all of the nice memories and I wasn’t angry with you anymore, if I hadn’t come to Georgia I wouldn’t have Jahsiah and that I couldn’t imagine. If I regretted coming here that would mean that I regretted my baby, and that is not something I can say. This is when the lines of communication began to open between us again. As time went by we emailed, then texted, then talked more. I find it curious that despite everything, where in all reality I should hate you and you should hate me, we could pick up like nothing ever happened and have this wonderful, respectful friendship. I mean really, that is quite phenomenal I think and rather unexpected. There is this synchronicity that I feel with you that I just can’t fully explain. The more we’ve talked, the closer I have felt to you. I connect with you on a higher level that transcends our physical world. I have felt this for some time now, and was certain you were feeling the same. I think we seem to have an unspoken connection to each other’s moods and feelings. I have been holding myself back to avoid giving you the impression that I am leading you on given that I am not in the position currently to fully express my feelings. I always thought that one day we would have this conversation to some degree, there are a lot of unhashed out emotions that I think needed to be addressed on both sides. I have always thought that one day we would find our way back but I did not imagine that it would be so soon and this has escalated rather quickly. As I said the other day, I have my own demons to live with that I need to deal with and I don’t want to put you in to an unfair position. I know that I have hurt you and I don’t want to do that again and if you want to let it all out at me as I have done here then please do, it is only fair and I owe you the respect of listening. I am sorry for what I have done and I am glad that I have had the opportunity to apologize because I do not want either of us to leave this life without you knowing the remorse I feel for how I treated you. I believe in reincarnation and that I have lived many lives with you before, which would explain your familiarity to me when we first met, and I will continue to live many more with you. I know that would sound stupid to anyone else in the world except for you and that just one of the many reasons I believe you are my soul mate and the love of my life. 
To address your question from last night, yes I do delete your texts, after I screenshot them to save in my email because I treasure our conversations. Our communications are between you and I and no one else and our friendship and relationship is also between you and I and no one else. I have avoided this topic of my situation with you because I am not quite comfortable talking about it, for the obvious reasons that this is a sensitive subject, and I initially did not expect anything more than basic civility between you and I. I have to deal with this f**kery that is my life that I have made for myself which will happen regardless of anything between you and I, just so you know. I really wanted to deal with my own situation prior to having this conversation with you because I want to do my best to do things right. 
Anyway, I have spent the greater portion of the day with this and I am emotionally drained now, you know I am not the greatest talk about feelings kind of person, so I am just going to close now. Again, I want to make it clear that I acknowledge that I have done my share of things that have hurt you so you don’t think that I was having a pity party for myself anywhere in here, I just wanted to give you some understanding of what I felt and how I came to be where I presently am. 
You are my forever true love and keeper of my heart <3

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Waxing Insanity

Damn now I can't even spell *now

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I don't know you, but I am sorry you are hurting. In compassion, I know I cannot fix it, but I see you and wish you well on your path. 

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18 hours ago, Picklesnout said:

I don't know you, but I am sorry you are hurting. In compassion, I know I cannot fix it, but I see you and wish you well on your path. 

Same 

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Waxing Insanity

9:06 pm Thursday

Listen. I have actual moved on and actually just went on a first date to see the new IT movie with someone I met at my son's school, a carpenter ironically specializing in custom spiral stairs.  My rear view mirror is turned up, no looking back, can't remember where I heard that....  If you want to be respectful in communication then that's cool, but if all you want to do is send strange and or/insulting messages then I'll change my number either way I have many new and exciting things happening in both my personal and professional life and moving forward will not bring any negativity of the past into my present of future. Best of wishes to you should you move forward and find like minded companionship for yourself as well. 

 

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Waxing Insanity
18 hours ago, phxsparks said:

Wow, this does not sound good.  What are you going to do OP?

I really don't know what to do. I screwed up and lost my soulmate.  I've waited 5 years to meet someone special but it never gets far.  I suppose I was waiting for that last text but it sure wasn't what I had expected.

  

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On 10/12/2017 at 5:49 PM, Waxing Insanity said:

She sent me this letter 6/4/16 but I messed things up by not following her orders.

I can still remember the very first time I saw you, sitting in booth 20 with Bob and the crew. I remember it as clearly as if it just happened. When I locked eyes with you there was an intense feeling that I had never felt before and never since, I felt like I knew you. The feeling was so strong that I could not shake it, I racked my brain for a days and even went to my mom’s house to look through old high school yearbooks thinking I must have known you from school. Every time you guys came in you were always seated in my section coincidentally and I was drawn to you for some unknown reason. None of this was particularly consequential at the time because you and I were involved with our own relationships and eventually as the weather got cooler you stopped coming in probably because you were no longer working in the area. After months had passed, you came in again and I can remember that day so clearly as well. I was running late to work, as usual, and when I came in I was expecting a good lecture from Linda but what I got was her telling me to immediately go to booth 20 and talk to the guys there that were asking about me and as I looked across the dining room I saw your arms waving to get my attention. I think Linda was a bit off put that she was your server and you were asking about me, lol. Anyway, you know the story from there and we began to date and fall in love and I came to attribute that feeling of our first meeting as love at first sight. Building our life in Southgate, despite the legal troubles was pure heaven and the happiest times of my life. Yeah, it was hectic at times but that didn’t really matter because we were together at the end of the day. I remember Stacie being such a hater calling us the perfect couple and Ken and Barbie, lol, but in my eyes it was true, we were the perfect couple. I can remember when things were not so good toward the end of our days in Southgate when everyone thought I was crazy for standing by you when we put up the house for sale and wanted to put everything in to the Noni business, and I while I had my doubts to what we were doing, I had faith and trust in you and even though things were bad that was what marriage was about, better and worse, richer and poor… and eventually we ended up here in Georgia to make a fresh start. 

When you had your first hospitalized episode in 2007 it totally rocked my world, I’m sure yours too, but I can only speak on my feelings. I don’t want you to think that I am making this all about me or taking anything away from what you experienced or how you felt, I am just speaking on what I felt and my perspective because that is what I know. When I overheard you on the phone with your mom saying that you had slept with Zan, my heart sank to my feet and I think I was even in shock for a moment. Never, ever, in a million years was you cheating even a thought, well except for the time that you stayed out all night at Henry VIII, but when I questioned you, you told me that you did not and that you hated Andrea and never cheated on her so you would definitely not do that to me, and that meant something so I never questioned your loyalty again. Until then, I questioned that time, I questioned a lot of things that seemed innocuous before but now I had to wonder. There was a time that you and I sat on the porch of the Magnolia house and we talked about that and you swore to me that Zan was the only one and it was only one time. I tried to move forward from that and was able to do so because I had all of those years in Southgate and all of our wonderful memories to hold on to with the hopes that we could one day return to being that perfect couple. But the more time passed the more it seemed that we were moving farther from that, you flirting with female’s playing Hotties on MySpace, exchanging numbers and calling that girl while I was at school. You isolated and pushed me away and I let it be because I didn’t know if there was even anything worth fighting for anymore. 
I began this current situation of mine due in part to vengeance I felt towards you, hurt I felt from you, and loneliness I felt here in Georgia with no family or friends or really anyone, or any type of support system. When I told you, I told you because I felt ashamed, embarrassed and guilty and what you told me in return was about Danielle. Wow, what an unexpected blow that was, I had always thought we were so happy together in Southgate and couldn’t wrap my head around that one. (I know it was a blow to you too, I am not being dismissive of your feelings here, I am only expressing my feelings because I am sharing my experience and feelings.) When I didn’t show up to Starbucks that day I know that was devastating to you and I feel terrible for hurting you like that. I was in a state of mental and emotional turmoil and really didn’t know anything anymore. I know you were angry, understandably, and then you told me about all, or maybe all, more of the others all the way back to Julie Reynolds. Holy Hell, that was when we first started dating! And you told me because you wanted to hurt me, not because you felt bad for it, but out of anger because you knew it would cut deep, and it did. All of those wonderful memories from Southgate were gone, it was all a farce, everything that I had thought about our entire life together was a lie that I had been too naïve to see. Boy did I feel stupid, I finally got why you wrote duh above my head on that picture of us. I had once had this point in time to look back on when we were happy together and that was suddenly gone, not even gone, it never existed except in my mind. I was very angry with you and honestly hated you for a long time. Mostly because all of the time that I stood by your side in Southgate, then packed up my life and left all of my family and friends and the only life I had ever known to move to Georgia, for you, because I had the trust and faith in you as my husband that this was the right decision for our family. I hated you for letting me give up my life for a lie, and here you were back in Michigan with your mom and kids and I was stuck in Georgia alone, no family, no friends, and just downright broken. I would venture to say this is why I furthered my current situation. 
I felt this resentment for you for a long time, especially holidays and other special occasions that I missed in Michigan, that I spent here, totally uneventful. What really changed is after Jahsiah was born. I went through all of our old photos, when I was copying them to my external hard drive, and while they were sad to look through, I also enjoyed all of the nice memories and I wasn’t angry with you anymore, if I hadn’t come to Georgia I wouldn’t have Jahsiah and that I couldn’t imagine. If I regretted coming here that would mean that I regretted my baby, and that is not something I can say. This is when the lines of communication began to open between us again. As time went by we emailed, then texted, then talked more. I find it curious that despite everything, where in all reality I should hate you and you should hate me, we could pick up like nothing ever happened and have this wonderful, respectful friendship. I mean really, that is quite phenomenal I think and rather unexpected. There is this synchronicity that I feel with you that I just can’t fully explain. The more we’ve talked, the closer I have felt to you. I connect with you on a higher level that transcends our physical world. I have felt this for some time now, and was certain you were feeling the same. I think we seem to have an unspoken connection to each other’s moods and feelings. I have been holding myself back to avoid giving you the impression that I am leading you on given that I am not in the position currently to fully express my feelings. I always thought that one day we would have this conversation to some degree, there are a lot of unhashed out emotions that I think needed to be addressed on both sides. I have always thought that one day we would find our way back but I did not imagine that it would be so soon and this has escalated rather quickly. As I said the other day, I have my own demons to live with that I need to deal with and I don’t want to put you in to an unfair position. I know that I have hurt you and I don’t want to do that again and if you want to let it all out at me as I have done here then please do, it is only fair and I owe you the respect of listening. I am sorry for what I have done and I am glad that I have had the opportunity to apologize because I do not want either of us to leave this life without you knowing the remorse I feel for how I treated you. I believe in reincarnation and that I have lived many lives with you before, which would explain your familiarity to me when we first met, and I will continue to live many more with you. I know that would sound stupid to anyone else in the world except for you and that just one of the many reasons I believe you are my soul mate and the love of my life. 
To address your question from last night, yes I do delete your texts, after I screenshot them to save in my email because I treasure our conversations. Our communications are between you and I and no one else and our friendship and relationship is also between you and I and no one else. I have avoided this topic of my situation with you because I am not quite comfortable talking about it, for the obvious reasons that this is a sensitive subject, and I initially did not expect anything more than basic civility between you and I. I have to deal with this f**kery that is my life that I have made for myself which will happen regardless of anything between you and I, just so you know. I really wanted to deal with my own situation prior to having this conversation with you because I want to do my best to do things right. 
Anyway, I have spent the greater portion of the day with this and I am emotionally drained now, you know I am not the greatest talk about feelings kind of person, so I am just going to close now. Again, I want to make it clear that I acknowledge that I have done my share of things that have hurt you so you don’t think that I was having a pity party for myself anywhere in here, I just wanted to give you some understanding of what I felt and how I came to be where I presently am. 
You are my forever true love and keeper of my heart <3

If you really love your ex wife, why would you post her very personal letter to you here? 

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