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CGK

Random Ramblings

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Many Many moons ago, I used to write for a radio prep service.  I recently discovered a folder full of bits I wrote in the past. For fun I thought I would share some of those ramblings with y'all. Enjoy!

Lessons learned on my last camping trip

- Bring change to the showers with you, hot water costs 50 cents

- Drunk people know how to fire walk

- You can eat anything if it has enough BBQ sauce on it

- Never let kids play with flashlights in the day time because the lights will be broken when you need them at night

- 10 man rubber rafts only come with 4 paddles

- Pyromaniacs should not be allowed to build the camp fire

- You can tell how close a lightening strike is to your tent by much hair is standing up on your head

- Gallon zip lock bags will serve as a tent port-a-potty in a pinch

- Sun screen is always the first thing to fall out of the boat. The kids are second

- 4 out of 5 people will jump out of a canoe for a free beer

- If you're sitting by the fire and smell rubber burning..check your shoes for flames

May 27, 1998

 

 

 

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OMG..this is from 1997.  LOL

Personal Travel Tips

This summer some of you may be taking that "Dream Vacation" to far off lands. Here are a few tips that you need to keep in mind:

- While in a Muslim country if you have to blow your nose, never ask a woman if you can borrow her scarf

- In Japan, remember that a Kamikaze is NOT a drink

- In Mexico, don't forget that "just a minute" could mean all day

- While in Korea...never head north

 - In India make sure that you count all of your fingers after shaking hands with a merchant

- In Canada, all sentences end with "eh"?

- Although folks in New Zealand refer to themselves as "Kiwi" its not ok to call them a fruit

- In London "Cheerio" is not a cereal

- In Italy, don't talk about your "Godfather"

- In Australia "Barbi" is not a doll

-While in Rome...Don't do as the Romans do

 

 

 

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Another one from 1997. This was my reply to a news story about a woman having her first child at 63 years old.

Why its a bad idea to have a kid at 63

- Can't drop the kid off at grandmas house because she is 100

- Can't tell if the reason you are crying is postpartum depression or menopause

- Can't tie the kids shoes because of arthritis

- When you go to the store, you have to buy Huggies and Depends

- You both need warm milk as a night cap

- Keep misplacing the baby because of memory loss

- Can't push a stroller from a wheel chair

- As the baby is getting teeth and hair, you're losing yours

- If you lose your dentures, you both have to eat baby food

- You are too old to teach them how to drive you to the Drs office

- Everyone keeps asking you how many other grandchildren you have

- Your kids 21st birthday party will have to be held at  your nursing home

 

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13 minutes ago, DarkKnightNomeD said:

@CGK - Funny as hell. :rofl:

Glad you enjoyed it. I've got one about men...for you. Nothing personal, just an observation. LOL

Men's shopping habits

- Guys will pay 50% more for an item if they can shop in a store that is not crowed and they don't have to stand in line

- Looking for a parking spot is considered war games. Anything goes

- They will never ask where to find something in a store. They would rather HUNT for it

- Sales don't work for guys. When they want something..they want it NOW, at any price

- If they go out to buy a TV for $350, they will come home with one that cost $500 because it has more bells and whistles

- They will never try clothing on. They would rather bring it home and have you go back to the store to exchange it for the correct size.

- The SSTT or (Standard shopping tolerance time) for the average male is 30 minutes. If they can't find it, buy it, and leave the store in 30 minutes, they don't need it.

- If you lose a guy in a store you can always find them in the sports, hardware, automotive or electronics dept...guaranteed!

- If they have to tell you in the store "Lets Go!" more than 3 times, you can bet that whatever you are trying to buy is not going to be worth the fight you are about to have

-A man will never buy something from a woman who knows more about the product than they do.

 

 

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:2sMZZFw: :qFbfZwK:

Everything on this is true! hahaha

8 minutes ago, CGK said:

Glad you enjoyed it. I've got one about men...for you. Nothing personal, just an observation. LOL

Men's shopping habits

- Guys will pay 50% more for an item if they can shop in a store that is not crowed and they don't have to stand in line

- Looking for a parking spot is considered war games. Anything goes

- They will never ask where to find something in a store. They would rather HUNT for it

- Sales don't work for guys. When they want something..they want it NOW, at any price

- If they go out to buy a TV for $350, they will come home with one that cost $500 because it has more bells and whistles

- They will never try clothing on. They would rather bring it home and have you go back to the store to exchange it for the correct size.

- The SSTT or (Standard shopping tolerance time) for the average male is 30 minutes. If they can't find it, buy it, and leave the store in 30 minutes, they don't need it.

- If you lose a guy in a store you can always find them in the sports, hardware, automotive or electronics dept...guaranteed!

- If they have to tell you in the store "Lets Go!" more than 3 times, you can bet that whatever you are trying to buy is not going to be worth the fight you are about to have

-A man will never buy something from a woman who knows more about the product than they do.

 

 

 

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Airline travel tips for flying with small children...

- If you must fly with kids, its always best to have them seated in another isle with a stranger. Its a great way to get a couple hours of free babysitting time.

- Have your doctor drill holes in their ear drums before the flight to avoid all the screaming on take off and landing from the pressure they will have in their ears

- Dress them in plastic clothing so everything they spill on themselves in flight will simply run off onto the floor

- Tell them if they are really good you will let them take the "Flotation Device" home with them to use in the pool

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A lot of companies require its employees to be drug tested randomly.  Most require drug testing as part of employee pre-screening. Here is as list of things NOT to say to the person doing the testing...

-  Hi- I'm here for the drug testing. What drugs would you like me to test?

- Can I have a bigger cup? I'm on diuretics

- Like, I use to do drubs but I quit yesterday....does that count?

- There is a sign in the bathroom that says, "Due to drug testing we don't allow running water in the sink."  Ha Ha you guys forgot about the water in the toilet didn't ya?

- Is this the drug testing place? Can you check what this coke is cut with?

- I'm a Rastafarian and ganja is part of my religion. Wanna pray?

- Is beer considered a drug?

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20 minutes ago, CGK said:

Airline travel tips for flying with small children...

- If you must fly with kids, its always best to have them seated in another isle with a stranger. Its a great way to get a couple hours of free babysitting time.

- Have your doctor drill holes in their ear drums before the flight to avoid all the screaming on take off and landing from the pressure they will have in their ears

- Dress them in plastic clothing so everything they spill on themselves in flight will simply run off onto the floor

- Tell them if they are really good you will let them take the "Flotation Device" home with them to use in the pool

I wonder if the kids will see this. LOL

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3 hours ago, CGK said:

Glad you enjoyed it. I've got one about men...for you. Nothing personal, just an observation. LOL

Men's shopping habits

- Guys will pay 50% more for an item if they can shop in a store that is not crowed and they don't have to stand in line

- Looking for a parking spot is considered war games. Anything goes

- They will never ask where to find something in a store. They would rather HUNT for it

- Sales don't work for guys. When they want something..they want it NOW, at any price

- If they go out to buy a TV for $350, they will come home with one that cost $500 because it has more bells and whistles

- They will never try clothing on. They would rather bring it home and have you go back to the store to exchange it for the correct size.

- The SSTT or (Standard shopping tolerance time) for the average male is 30 minutes. If they can't find it, buy it, and leave the store in 30 minutes, they don't need it.

- If you lose a guy in a store you can always find them in the sports, hardware, automotive or electronics dept...guaranteed!

- If they have to tell you in the store "Lets Go!" more than 3 times, you can bet that whatever you are trying to buy is not going to be worth the fight you are about to have

-A man will never buy something from a woman who knows more about the product than they do.

 

 

GEET OOOOUT OOOOF ME HEEED

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